wetness, and accept the futility of avoiding the inevitable. I know that I said that I would soak in the romantics and passion; however, as a result, I have inevitably grown increasingly attached to Mr. Mahn. With this increased emotional attachment comes the desire for more with him, despite hearing, “I like you, but I cannot give any more because I don’t want to hurt you.” This past weekend, I was most certainly a living embodiment of a pathetic fallacy, as I fell into a brooding state only perpetuated by the downpour of rain that lasted all weekend.More. Do I want more because I am hopeful for a relationship where there is none to be had just yet? Am I masochistic? Am I unreasonable? Am I so incessantly hopeful for a future that may or may not be with him? Am I chasing shadows along the pavement? It has been about a month and a half now, since we first physically met at the Lofty Ex's party during Pride Weekend. Obviously, a lot has happened since then, and I may have allowed myself to get too lost in the moment. We have talked about our situation before, and I had been accepting of it. Yet, I still jumped in heart-first despite knowing that all we have is now, and in doing so, my heart is slightly splattered at the bottom of the waterless pool.
Inevitably, of course, sunshine and clarity comes at the heels of every storm. The truth is that I lost touch of staying and keeping with the moment; thus, internally, I was becoming more possessive and speculative of so many things. I became so hopeful for our potential together, such that I began to over-compensate because I began to think that our time was running out. Clearly, that is a ridiculous way to
approach matters of the heart, because even if time was running out, there is no way of knowing that until it is actually T-minus-zero. I was misinterpreting our increasing level of comfortableness with withdrawal, which only fed my speculation that we were dissipating. YES! I fell into that dark place of my mind and rolled around in the emotional muck. It truly is interesting to finally see my behavioural pattern, which usually consists of over-analysis, followed by self-loathing, and finally self-sabotaging.Just like the sun that comes after a storm, lucidity follows self-destructive behaviour, because even I despise myself when I am self-loathing and self-involved. However, this lucid state could have only been reached with the assistance and patience of my girlfriends (Femme-Fatale and Paris-Bijou) and of course, Mr. Mahn. To my girlfriends I vented, and they listened and
reminded me of my tendency to become as overly analytical as Carrie Bradshaw and as pessimistic as Miranda Hobbs. And with that, I was finally able to pull myself out of my emotional not-so-hot-mess, realize the causes/catalysts of my previous state, and at last talk to Mr. Mahn to share with him my struggle and the emotional strides that I had made.Academically speaking, I understood and agreed with Mr. Mahn when we discussed the limitations of our ‘relationship’, but emotionally, I was in a whole ‘nother ball game. Now that I am finally playing in the same field as him, and not just watching inquisitively, I am actually able to relax and enjoy our moments together. Moreover, I am able to trust him more because I can finally accept that
our attraction is mutual, and more importantly, deep. In the meantime, I am finally able to enjoy us, just as we are, without worrying about the future, because even our future (romantic or platonic) looks bright and lucid… just like today, the day after the big storm.
No comments:
Post a Comment