One way or another, there is a ‘Mr. Big’ figure in our lives...

...and you can take 'Big' into whichever context you want (cue rimshot… you guys were awesome, have a great night everybody!). Seriously, he could be someone who is ultimately a good guy, but shits all over you just when you are happy (i.e. a sadist), or someone who may ultimately be the one, but remains emotionally unavailable (i.e. a fortress), or ultimately both characteristics (i.e. a fortress housing a tyrant). This has possibly left you thinking, “Okay this is true, but what is all this alluding to?” Well, Loaded Cop, after a four-month long hiatus, decided to roll back into the scene and get back in touch with me, and of course, I walk away from it extremely pensive. That’s right, Loaded Cop: the first one I actually may have fallen for, the one who may have fucked up my outlook on relationships in the first place, and the most honest one of the bunch. Ah, and there’s the rub… Loaded Cop is my Mr. Big.

I met him online a year and two months ago, and within our first conversation, I was already captivated. He was one of the few guys with whom I actually had a lot of common tastes (i.e. music, film, TV, artistic photographers, etc), despite our nearly contrasting approaches to life: he’s a realist whereas I am an optimist (or was, at least). All of my past tricks, relationships, partners, etc had suddenly found their own respective companion - I’m talking about that level of comfort exclusive to the two of you, that sickening imagery of two happy people - and I am the only one left. To name a few: Mavrick still has his partner (and that's another entirely complicated piece of history), Lofty Ex has his random Asian, Polish Sausages have each other, Loaded Cop has his youngun. I am officially spinning, and not in that cute 50’s-twirl-while-dancing-to-the-dulcet-tones-of-a-jazz-crooner, but out of control and into spinsterhood.

Up until my pop-up of a conversation with Loaded Cop I had been coping with singleton in great stride – that is, if you count living like a sloth a great stride. Anyway, hearing from him only brought back memories of old feelings (not the feelings themselves, though), and the general good feeling of those moments. More importantly, it was a reminder of how much I also missed Transformer, and how needy I can become. As a single man, nay, a human being, I can obviously cope with sleeping alone; however, every time I get to sleep, much less wake up, beside another warm body, it is as if I had relapsed. If you have not deduced it yet, I am a cuddler. Whaaaaaaaaat? A promiscuous (by hetero standards, that is) gay man who actually enjoys the post-play activities, maybe even more than the actual play itself. Why, that is just absurd!

My conversation with Loaded Cop made me consider two things: 1) I am actually smitten by Transformer, 2) I have actually grown emotionally such that I am supposedly no longer looking at sex as a validation. Having Loaded Cop tell me that my erotically-neutral state is simply a phase, because gay men are innately slutty, would usually have me nodding in agreement; yet this time around, I find myself actually considering a no-sex rule unless there is a chance for a relationship. Am I aiming for too much? I should not feel like it, but somehow I already feel like this is something I am going to fail. So, just like Ms. Bradshaw, I walked away from my ‘Mr. Big’ and onto greener pastures. Incidentally, Transformer evokes Aleksandr Petrovsky in that he is studying lighting design/installations and has the same passion for his art. So, is this quasi-relationship doomed to fail as well? I mean, we have the advantage of not having lived together in a foreign city yet. But, if the ‘quasi’ does drop, it would still be replaced by ‘long-distance.’ The mind reels…